How does this sound for my movie script? I'm gonna give you some lines please be honest.?

Announcer: Starting for Columbia City are #70 Lane Huston, #5 Rick Fisher, #25 Trevor Hoggins, #35 Billy Young, #6 John Pin, #92 Taz Smith, and #36 Mathew Long (the Columbia City team rushes from the school’s gym doors).





The Crowd: Woooooooooohoooooooooooo (start the wave).





Karly: Ready girls?





Christopher and Andy: Excuse us?





Natalie, Tiffany, and Kaeleigh: (laugh)





Natalie: Nice going Karly you hurt their feelings again. I’m sure that they are getting really tired of you doing that to them.





Karly: (gives Natalie an evil stare) Sorry guys. Pyramid.





Announcer: Starting for South Side are #00 Zachary Angel, #8 Calvin Lake, #9 Roger French, #10 George Bills, #11 Cody Switts, #12 Tyson Bills, and #99 Larry Dodgers (the South Side team rushes from the school’s gym doors).





Natalie: So what are you guys planning on doing after the game?





Tiffany: Trevor and I are going to rent some movies (she turns around to wave and blow him a kiss).





Karly: Taz and I are heading back to his house for some kind of surprise. I wonder what it will be (a thinking look comes across her face after she says that)?





Kaeleigh: Mathew is going to try to get us into a late night movie and then we are heading back to my house afterwards (looks over her shoulder and winks at Mathew).





Andy: I’m going to take Anna home because her stupid father gave her a curfew and I’m not aloud to stay after that unless if he’s over the road working then her mother said it would be fine for me to stay an hour or two after.





Natalie: Sucks to be you guys. Lane is taking me to an amusement park for the whole weekend and its just going to be the two of us.





Announcer: Lets all rise as our very own cheerleader Tiffany sings the National Anthem.





Tiffany: “Oh! Say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight, O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof thro’ the night that our flag was still there. Oh! Say does that star-spangled banner yet waved, O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.”





Crowd: Yeah! Nice job (lights start to flicker on and off for about 5 seconds).





Game starts. South side kicks off first. One hour later.





All the cheerleaders: Tackle, block, n sack, get the ball. (Andy and Christopher put Tiffany and Karly on their shoulders) YEAH EAGLES (then they put them down).





Announcer: The score is 21 to 14 and South Side is down by 7 and there’s half a minute left in the game. If South Side gets this touch down then we will have to into over time.





Larry: Hut hut hike (he throws the ball to Cody who runs a yard then trips and drops the ball. The buzzer sounds).





Announcer: That’s it the game is over. The Columbia City Eagles win (the cheerleaders run over and celebrate with their team. Kaeleigh hugs and kisses Mathew, Karly and Taz kiss, Tiffany and Trevor hug and kiss, Natalie and Lane just give a simple hug, and Andy runs into the crowd to find Anna).





Linda: (Screams and points while running to save him. Everyone watches her finger as it points to #11 Cody Switts) Help him. Cody has fainted (the whole South Side team runs to help him).





Zachary: (Crab walks his way out looking terrified) He has been shot. Some one needs to call 911 now. (Blood starts dripping down from his head and then everyone starts screaming and looking for the shooter).





Mathew: (points up to the announcer’s stand) There he is (everyone looks up at the masked figure as he raises his gun and shoots Linda through the eye. Linda goes down in an instant).





Everyone starts running to the school’s gym or to their cars hoping to get out of the school’s parking lot before the masked figure gets them next. The masked figure takes its time walking out of the announcer’s booth aiming its gun at whatever ran the slowest.





Kaeleigh: (Looks up at everyone in the gym with watered down eyes gasping for breath) Who… or what… the hell was… that thing (everyone stops talking and looks at her funny).





Mathew carries her into the girl’s locker room to get her inhaler.








Tiffany: She is right you know. For all we know it could be some deranged psychopath who likes to kill people for heck of it.





Christopher: Well whatever it was it can’t get in here with out the keys. Lets move somewhere else in the school so that away we all aren’t crammed in here like animals in a zoo (everyone walks out of the gymnasium except for the football team and cheerleaders. They head for the locker rooms to get into some comfortable cloths).





Natalie: Hey Mathew you need to get out of here so we can change out of our uniforms (he gets up and walks out the door looking back at Kaeleigh to make sure that she is ok before he walks out the door). Are you ok Kaeleigh (in a snobbish attitude)?





Kaeleigh: (Looks at her with disgust) Yes what’s it to you?





Natalie: You have a really nasty attitude problem. Do you know that? Just because you are dating the captain and quarterback of the football team doesn’t mean that you can be a ***** to the rest of us.





Kaeleigh: No! I’m not mean to everyone else; it’s just you, you lazy *****. You have hated me since the day he broke up with you three years ago and then asked me out that very same day. You’re just jealous that he doesn’t like you anymore (Natalie runs over and pushes Kaeleigh on the floor and then they start to fight).





Tiffany: (Looks down and sees them both on the floor rolling around and punching each other) Karly help me over here. Natalie is making Kaeleigh’s asthma come back (they both run over to them and drags them away from each other).





Karly: You guys need to nock it off or the both of you are off the team even if you didn’t start the fight. You got it (she looks at the both of them and the finger pointing at the both of them)?





Natalie: Yes Karly.





Kaeleigh: (Having a little bit of trouble breathing) Yes Karly.





Karly: Tiffany can you help me separate them please? We’ll both be in the middle so we can watch them both.





Tiffany: Yea (a loud thud comes from out side the door).





Karly: What was that?





Natalie: (Walks to the door and drops down to look under the crack to see who’s there. She makes a yelp) I think it’s the masked figure guy. His shoes are all muddy (all the girls scream).





Trevor: Are you guys ok? What are you screaming at? It’s just me not that thing from the game. Are you guys dressed? I need to talk to Tiff.





Tiffany: (Looks at Natalie) I thought you said it was the killer? (Looks back to the door) No we are still changing our cloths we’ll be out in a minute.





Trevor: Ok.





Natalie: Just so you know I said “I THINK it’s the masked figure guy”.





Tiffany: Whatever.





They get dressed in silence and then they unlock the girl’s locker room door so that Trevor could get in.





Tiffany: So what did you want to talk about?





Trevor: I actually only wanted to talk to you, not the whole squad.





Karly: Oh sorry. Should of known that when you said that you only wanted to talk to Tiff (the other girls all walk out).





Trevor: Ok now we can talk. I just wanted to let you know that if we don’t get out of this alive I just want you to know that you are the only girl for me and that I love you. I know that we say this everyday but I think that today is really special.





Tiffany: (Leans over and kisses him) I love you (the girls on the out side of the door laugh and giggle to hear this).





Trevor: Well look you have your friends with you all the time and I want them to be here for this since you guys are like in separate. Come on in guys (they walk in and Trevor gets down on one knee). Tiffany will you marry me?





Tiffany: (gasping for breath in disbelieve meant) I… don’t know… what to say.





Karly and Kaeleigh: (yell) YES!!!





Tiffany: (looks at them and then back at Trevor) Yes, I do.





Lane, Billy, and Rick knock on the girl’s bathroom door and then walks in.





Lane: Come on people lets go.





Billy: People are starting to move to different parts of the school looking for an unlocked door so that they won’t be crammed in one room.








Rick: Kaeleigh, Mathew is waiting for you by the entranceway to the girl’s room.





Kaeleigh: Thanks lil’ bro (she walks out the door).

How does this sound for my movie script? I'm gonna give you some lines please be honest.?
I think it is great that you are writing or have wrote a script (one day I hope to do the same). But what I read confused me, maybe because I just seen a little bit of the characters. Who is the shooter? Is the shooter chasing them, gonna knock them off one by one? Why if they are being chased do they take time to change clothes? What's the main idea of your story? Is it mainly about Trevor and Tiffany? If so what does the shooter has to do with it?


I don't want to tell you what to do with your script. I think it would of been cool if the shooter wasn't a shooter but was on the field and was the one who tackle Cody (slit his throat, whatever) Than they would be looking for the guy on the field, bench whatever. Maybe see the guy head into the locker room and they pursue. More in your face suspense. Anyways keep up the good work and remember it don't matter what you write it is just the fact that you wrote something. See my blogs on my 360 page. Not the greatest stories but at least I wrote something. Good Luck.
Reply:You hafto learn that everyone has to have a different personality. It seems that everyone is acting out around your personality. The best way to think up differnt characters is to go nuts and just think of whatever comes to mind. U could mimic and copy someof your freinds and what they say and portray their personality in the script. This kind of story isnt really my thing but Im obliged to help another author in need, email me back and maybe I can help you some more
Reply:Perpare to be poor.



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